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Stephanie: Welcome back to the Real Housewives of Potomac, where the action is lukewarm, but the ratings are inexplicably climbing. I’m Stephanie, and I don’t waste my time with fake peopleexcept when I watch this show.

Nancy: And I’m Nancy. People say I’m like a white wine spritzerone taste of me is just never enough.

Karen and her husband Ray are out to eat at 701. Ray is overly concerned with the scallops, but, as always, just happy to be there. Karen mentions that she’s glad her first marriage didn’t work out because she’s in a much better place now, and then we’re treated to a photo of Baby Karen.

N: Old school Karen looks like she needs to learn a thing or two about etiquette.

S: Yeah, she’s looking pretty rude in that photo.

N: She’s totally serving badgalriri.

Karen and Ray for some reason decide to dance in the middle of 701. The other diners seem thrilled.

Charrisse is preparing for her daughter Skylar’s sweet 16 party, and chilling poolside with Ashley and Monique.

N: This is a missed opportunity for a My Super Sweet 16 crossover episode.

S: The best part of the show so far has been imagining which other types of shows these ladies should be in. As we’ve said before, Robyn should be the goofy mom in a Nickelodeon tween show and Charrisse should have a home improvement show called Chateau Cha Cha. Gizelle would be a great Elisabeth Hasselbeck contrarian type on The View. Ashley should do a Bear Grylls kind of production where she gets air dropped into the wilderness. And, uh, Karen can be on the Home Shopping Network.

As usual, not much happens in Robyn’s storyline except she’s still letting her ex-husband sleep in the same bed as her, and she has a pretty sweet locker room-to-field-walk going on here:

The ladies attend Skylar’s Sweet 16 party, which is catered by Ashley’s restaurant, Oz. The food doesn’t go over great; not even the bacon is popular, let alone the emu. This is the face of a woman who is rapidly realizing that the restaurant biz might not be for her:

Somewhere a witch lifts a hex and Charrisse’s husband Eddie materializes at Skylar’s Sweet 16. Ashley keeps trying to go meet him, but he and Charrisse aren’t speaking and Charrisse isn’t having it.

N: It’s more sad than dramatic. I don’t want to watch Charrisse divorce her husband.

S: The problem with this show is all these women are basically my mom if she had more coin to drop at Caché. They have such regular problems. Karen is sad about her kids leaving home! Charrisse is struggling with her divorce! Not one of these broads has faked cancer or thrown their prosthetic leg across a table yet.

The ladies are out for Ashley’s hookah night. There is a troubling trend on this show where the ladies go to local chains, but we can’t tell if they’re in Maryland, D.C., or Virginia. We would guess the ladies are at the Arlington location because it’s closer to Ashley, but the establishing shots of D.C.’s favorite local destinations suggest otherwise:

 The infamous Chinatown arch!

Everyone’s favorite luxury mausoleum, City Center D.C.! 

Back to the hookah bar. Karen is skeptical of the hookah, noting that it looks “like a big bong.”

N: I wish they were all stoned. That would make it way more interesting.

S: Potomac housewives and Bravo producers: If you’re reading, know that there is a standing invite for the ladies to come get baked at our house.

Charrisse ever-so-casually mentions that Skylar and “Sash” Obama are friends.

S: My god, imagine if they got an Obama daughter on here. Hell, I’d even take a cameo from Sunny or Bo

Gizelle decides to start a fight with Monique. It’s totally unimportant and blissfully short, but Gizelle does keep a cigar in her mouth the whole time like Daffy Duck. 

Charrisse has a video chat with her psychologist in which she can’t remember the last time she was happy.

S: Everything about this is depressing, and not just because I wrote this whole recap in the exact same position Charrisse is sitting in.

S and N: Watching this season, one might conclude that these ladies are not the active socialites they claim to be. But their lives are plenty busy; sadly, all the good action is happening off camera. Charrisse went to Omarosa Manigault’s wedding and was “a little scared” to be at the Trump International Hotel! Robyn’s husband found out the man who raised him isn’t his biological father and Robyn helped him track down his real dad! Gizelle did a very stiff photo shoot on top of the Chicago Tribune building!

They should really be saving this stuff for filming. Tune in next week, when the producers will have inevitably pulled a Project Runway and moved this sad lady show to Lifetime where it belongs.