My teenage daughter just came out to us as gay. We told her we love her and support her. As a heterosexual, cisgender mother, how do I make sure she gets good advice about sex? I don’t want her learning from other kids or porn. Do you know of any good, sex-positive advice books for lesbian teens? —My Inspiring Daughter Deserves Lesbian Education
“I wish every parent felt this way about their child’s sexual development, regardless of the child’s gender identity or sexual orientation,” says Peggy Orenstein, author of Girls & Sex: Navigating the Complicated New Landscape. “All young people—girls especially—need open, honest discussions about sexual ethics, including talking about pleasure, respect, decision-making, and reciprocity, or we are leaving them at the mercy of the messages they get from both the mainstream and ‘adult’ entertainment industries.”
Orenstein’s book—required reading for parents of girls and boys—drives home the need for comprehensive sex-education programs emphasizing the giving and receiving of pleasure. In the absence of sex-ed programs that empower girls to see themselves not just as instruments of another’s pleasure but as autonomous individuals with a right to experience sexual pleasure—with a partner or on their own—girls wind up having a lot of consensual but crappy sex.
That said, MIDDLE, one big takeaway from Orenstein’s research should come as a comfort to you: Bi and lesbian girls enjoy an advantage over their heterosexual peers.
“In some ways, MIDDLE can feel more confident about her daughter as a gay girl,” says Orenstein. “Lesbian and bisexual girls I spoke to for Girls & Sex would talk about feeling liberated to go ‘off the script’—by which they meant the script that leads lockstep to intercourse—and create encounters that truly worked for them. I ended up feeling that hetero girls—and boys, too—could learn a lot from their gay and bisexual female peers. And I don’t mean by watching otherwise straight girls make out on the dance floor for the benefit of guys.”
Since gay and bisexual girls can’t default to PIV intercourse, and since there’s not a boy in the room whose needs/dick/ego they’ve been socialized to prioritize, queer girls have more egalitarian and, not coincidentally, more satisfying sexual encounters.
“Young women are more likely to measure their own satisfaction by the yardstick of their partner’s pleasure,” says Orenstein. “So heterosexual girls will say things such as, ‘If he’s sexually satisfied, then I’m sexually satisfied.’ Men, by contrast, are more likely to measure satisfaction by their own orgasm. But the investment girls express in their partner’s pleasure remains true regardless of that person’s gender. So the orgasm gap we see among heterosexuals (75 percent of men report they come regularly in sexual encounters versus 29 percent of women) disappears in same-sex encounters. Young women with same-sex partners climax at the same rate as heterosexual men.”
As for good, sex-positive resources for teens of all identities and orientations, Orenstein had some great recommendations.
“I’m a big fan of Heather Corinna’s S.E.X.: The All-You-Need-to-Know Sexuality Guide to Get You Through Your Teens and Twenties,” says Orenstein. “She also produces the scarleteen.com website, which is fabulous. Other inclusive, sex-positive, medically accurate websites include sexetc.org and goaskalice.columbia.edu. And MIDDLE could think about giving her daughter a subscription to omgyes.com, an explicit (but not tawdry) site that educates about the science of female pleasure. And finally, I think everyone who is a woman—or has had sex with a woman or ever hopes to—should read Emily Nagoski’s book Come As You Are. Even if you think you know it all, Nagoski’s book will transform your sex life.”
Follow Orenstein on Twitter @peggyorenstein. —Dan Savage
My husband and I are currently separated on a trial basis. He took all our condoms when he moved out, and I want to ask him if he plans on having sex with other women. I don’t have any intention of sleeping with other people while separated, but I think he may be interested in doing so, in part since we have been sexually active only with each other and he is trying to “find himself.” If either of us were to have extramarital sex without the consent of the other, I would consider that cheating. We’ve also been having sex with each other throughout our separation. But my husband refuses to discuss this aspect of our separation. He will discuss only co-parenting or financial issues. I would be okay with him having casual sex but not a romantic sexual relationship. —Wondering If Fidelity Enforceable
Taking the condoms + refusing to discuss the sexual terms of your separation = your husband is almost certainly fucking other women. He probably figures it’ll be easier to get your forgiveness after the fact than to get your permission in advance—and if you don’t get back together, WIFE, he won’t even have to ask for forgiveness.
If your husband refuses to have a dialogue about the sexual aspect of your separation, then you’ll have to make him listen to a monologue. Tell him you assume he’s having sex with other people, and if that’s not the case, he’ll have to use his words to persuade you otherwise. If he sits there in silence, or his words are unpersuasive, tell him you now feel free to have sex with other people, too. And while you can ask him not to enter into a romantic sexual relationship with anyone else, WIFE, you ultimately can’t control how he feels about who he’s fucking while he’s out there finding himself. If you aren’t comfortable fucking your husband while he’s fucking other women—and he almost certainly is fucking other women—let him know that and cut him off. —DS
I’m a 32-year-old straight male. Back in April, I met this girl. She seemed interested, but before we went out, she told me that she is a demisexual. (I had to Google it.) After a few dates, she had me over to her place, we watched a movie and started making out. But when I started to put my hand between her legs, she calmly said, “Let’s not get ahead of ourselves.” No problem, I told her, I wasn’t trying to rush her. Fast-forward a couple months. We’re still going on dates, we hug and kiss, we hold hands, we cuddle on the couch and watch movies—but still no sex. Is demisexuality real? Should I keep pursuing her? —Is She Interested Totally Or Not?
Demisexuals are real people who “do not experience sexual attraction unless they form a strong emotional bond,” according to the definition at asexuality.org. We used to call people who needed to feel a strong emotional bond before wanting to fuck someone people who, you know, needed to feel a strong emotional bond before wanting to fuck someone. But a seven-syllable, clinical-sounding term that prospective partners need to Google—demisexuality—is obviously far superior to a short, explanatory sentence that doesn’t require internet access to understand.
You’ve shown respect for this woman’s sexual orientation, ISITON. Now it’s her turn to show some respect for yours. I don’t mean by putting out if she’s not ready or not interested, but by offering you some clarity about when or whether she’ll ever be interested. You’re seeking a romantic relationship that includes sex—which is not unreasonable—and you’ve demonstrated a willingness to make an emotional investment before a relationship becomes sexual. You don’t (or shouldn’t) want her to consent to sex under duress, and you don’t (or shouldn’t) want her to have sex just to keep you coming over for cuddles, but if she doesn’t see you as a prospective romantic and sexual partner, ISITON, she should tell you that. If this relationship isn’t on track to become sexual, tell her you’re open to being friends—truly intimate friends—but you’ll have to direct your romantic attentions (and more of your time) elsewhere. —DS