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HO HO WHO: Bret Michaels, the lead singer of ’80s glam rock band Poison turned reality show personality, known for starring on Rock of Love, Rock of Love 2, and Rock of Love Bus, and for winning season three of The Celebrity Apprentice. And yes, he still loves and supports Donald Trump.
JINGLE ALL THE WAY: For his first-ever Christmas recording, Michaels picked a song heard at nearly every preschool holiday program: “Jingle Bells.” To make sure listeners know he’s a true rock ’n’ roller, he adds some cymbal crashes and an electric guitar solo. It’s impossible to make the song interesting, however, and Michaels makes things worse by singing it all the way through twice on the two minute and twenty-two second track.
THE REASON FOR THE SEASON: Because this song is apparently not long enough already, Michaels adds a message of good tidings to the end. “Wishing you a Merry Christmas and a happy holidays, my friends,” he blandly blathers while committing two cardinal sins. He dares to use the controversial secular phrase “happy holidays” and precedes it with a singular article. Was there not enough time to record a corrected second take? This grammar geek says “Bah humbug!”
Cheer Factor: 0/10. “Jingle Bells” is a terrible song. Bret Michaels is a terrible singer who remains on friendly terms with the insane person currently occupying the White House. The instrumentals sound fake as hell. I never want to hear this recording ever again.