Stephanie Rudig

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Yelp reviewers, particularly those who are still at it in 2018, are a strange breed. If you’ve ever scoured the site trying to get a sense of an establishment before you go, you’ve noticed that the reviews tend to be overly autobiographical and weirdly fixated on minor details of service. Dive bars, therefore, are rife with infractions that sharp-eyed Yelpers take as personal affronts, entirely missing the point that the service is supposed to be a little gruff and the food isn’t going to win anyone a Michelin star. Presented below are some of the most nit-picky and downright perplexing excerpts from D.C. dive bar reviews.

Post Pub

1422 L St. NW

Awful food and dive-y ambience. —Jocelyn L.

Player’s Lounge

2737 Martin Luther King Jr Ave. SE

Former strip club, now straight dive. Patrons are very nice. Service is friendly, most of the time. Decent fried and baked chicken. That’s about it. —Jen C.

Harry’s

436 11th St. NW

The beer I ordered came just as a bottle. No glass (I guess you have to order a pitcher to get a glass for your beer). —Josh R.

Anyway, this might be a good place for whoever is from here and doesn’t know better, but we are from New York. —Juliana O.

Dan’s Cafe

2315 18 St. NW

As I walked back to my spot, I got comments from patrons. Guess what—it’s a crowded bar, sorry I brushed up on your Northface vest as I walked by you. If you think this place is a fun bar, I feel bad for you. —Emily R.  

Trusty’s

1420 Pennsylvania Ave. SE

I knew this restaurant was going to disappoint me when I looked at the menu and saw that they served chips with their sandwiches. This told me two things about the establishment:

1.  They are either too cheap, too lazy, or both to get a deep fryer and create some french fries, onion rings, tater tots, or any other necessary fried side when you are eating at a bar, and

2.  If they are too cheap to give me some fried deliciousness, then the sandwich I receive will inevitably have too little meat and be too small.  —Adam A.

Tune Inn

331 Pennsylvania Ave. SE

I won’t be going back, although the food looked great on Triple D (Diners, Drive-ins and Dives), it just did not hold up with flavor. The deep fried burger with sweet potato fries and the mozzarella sticks were the only exception. I wish I had been there when Guy was … Oh, the deer butt on the wall was cool! —Lss J.

First of all, the waiter announced it as chicken tenders, not chicken fingers. Disgrace. Second, my food was served and it came out on a STYROFOAM PLATE! I was like woah, I think this is the wrong order, because I ordered a basket, not a STYROFOAM PLATE! And the waiter just says, “that’s your food,” and walked away. You know what, that’s two strikes. But of course, then came strike three. The manager comes over and tells us a story of how JFK came and sat in the booth we were sitting in! Cool, but if JFK were to walk through that door, he would have received his chicken fingers in a BASKET!  —Jay. A.