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I’ve been faithfully reading your column in the Chicago Reader for years, and now I’m reaching out to you about my own problem. I’ve been dating this guy for almost a year. Everything is great, except one thing: He wants me to kick him in the nuts. It really bothers me, and I’m not sure what to do. He’s very serious about it, and he brings it up every single day. It makes me really uncomfortable that this is some sort of fetish of his and I need help taking steps forward. —To Kick Or Not To Kick
P.S. I play soccer and I kick hard.
It’s a kink called “ball busting,” TKONTK, and as long as you don’t kick him full force—or even half force—you’re unlikely to do permanent damage. That said, childless guys who are into ball busting are often advised to freeze their sperm just in case. And while it’s not a hugely popular kink, it’s common enough that ball busting porn exists, and ball busting Tumblrs, ball busting blogs, etc. Take it slow at first, particularly if your guy has only fantasized about this and not experienced it. —Dan Savage
P.S. A guy who brings up his kink every single day deserves to be kicked in the nuts—unless he’s into ball busting, in which case he doesn’t deserve to be kicked in the nuts.
My husband and I were married in Toronto, Canada, in 2005, before marriage equality came to the United States. Does the U.S. government recognize our Canadian marriage or do we need to remarry in the U.S.? Can you find out from one of your legal friends? —Does Our Marriage Apply?
“The US government does recognize your marriage,” said Robbie Kaplan, one of my legal friends—and the attorney who represented Edith Windsor before the US Supreme Court and won. In United States v. Windsor, the Supreme Court ruled that the federal government was required to recognize legal same-sex marriages, thereby gutting the Defense of Marriage Act. “We did the same thing,” Kaplan added. “We were married in Toronto in 2006, and the U.S. recognizes our marriage. No need to get married again here.” —DS
Hi Dan, I am getting in touch because I thought you might be interested in the following article: “Getting to the Bottom of Pegging.” For open-minded people who are open to butt play, pegging is a great way to spice things up in the bedroom. But what exactly is pegging and why is it a thing now? Sex and relationships expert, Tami Rose, knows how important it is to try new things in the bedroom. She would be able to provide an article explaining what pegging is and tips for your more adventurous readers who want to give it a go. I look forward to hearing your thoughts. —[Redacted] PR Agency
Pegging? Never heard of it. Wait—what’s that, Wikipedia? “Pegging is a sexual practice in which a woman performs anal sex on a man by penetrating the man’s anus with a strap-on dildo… The neologism “pegging” was popularized when it became the winning entry in a contest in Dan Savage’s Savage Love sex advice column [in 2001].” —DS
I’m in a six-year relationship with a guy you will probably deem DTMFA-worthy but I deem round-up-able to The One. My kids already regarded him as their stepdad before we moved in together about eight months ago. That’s when I learned he’s an addict: He drinks, smokes weed, and jerks off to porn for about two hours every day. He has been this way for more than 20 years, and I have zero delusions he will change for me. Recently he told me he has very little sexual desire for me, that he knows my pussy in and out and it’s boring, but he loves my companionship. How do I deal with this so we can move forward together as an incompatible couple?—Sex Addict Partner
A romantic partner who says something as cruel and negating as what this man has said to you, SAP, either wants out of the relationship or is grooming their partner for much worse treatment to come. If he wants out of the relationship, the verbal and emotional abuse will escalate until you finally leave him. If he doesn’t want out, the verbal and emotional abuse will escalate a bit more slowly, so that, like the proverbial frog in the pot of boiling water, you don’t realize exactly how bad it’s getting and how much damage it’s doing to you—and your kids.
I know it’s not what you wanted to hear, SAP, but I’m going to say it anyway: DTMFA. —DS
I’m a competent in-person lover, but I’m the worst at Skype/FaceTime/WhatsApp sex. I can’t get the angle right, I don’t know what to wear, I feel shy, I don’t know what to say, I can’t get off, I giggle like a 15-year-old girl getting her first French kiss under the bleachers. I’m going to be away from my guy for most of the summer and I need to figure this out. Any advice or tips? —Struggle Keeping Yonder Penis Entertained
A 15-year-old girl may giggle the first time she gets French-kissed under the bleachers—or she may not—but a girl who giggles the first time probably isn’t going to be giggling the fiftieth. So just keep at it, try to relax and enjoy yourself, and ask your partner to take the lead, i.e., if you don’t know what to do, ask him to tell you what he’d like you to do, SKYPE—but only follow the orders you’re comfortable following. —DS
What’s the fairest way to determine who should get tied up? —Bondage Bottom Boyfriends
Whoever was tied up last time does the tying up this time and vice versa. —DS
Do you ever wear panties, Dan? Would you post a picture of yourself in panties online? I think you would look good in panties. —Panties Are Nice To You
While I have no particular aversion to wearing panties, PANTY, and while I will not deny the allure of the models at xdress.com, I’ve never worn panties and have no plans to start. As a consequence, I won’t be able to post a picture of myself in panties online to delight you and horrify everyone else. —DS
How much sex is too much sex? —Numb Over Numbers
“Enough is as good as a feast.” —Mary Poppins —DS