The wonkiest, weirdest, most impractical, and outrageously priced homes up for sale this week. Have a listing in mind? Send it to mbaskin@washingtoncitypaper.com. 

• This $789,000 Capitol Hill rowhouse has a “secret garden,” which means it just has a lot of ivy crawling through the front yard. [Zillow]
• If you’ve dreamed of owning a home where each room is painted a different bright color, here’s your chance. [craigslist]
• A 2,600-square-foot Kennedy Street NW space has … zero bedrooms, according to this listing. It’s $2.3 million but sold for about one-third of that in January 2017. [Zillow]
• Anyone else have nightmarish visions of slipping on staircases like these and injuring a limb? [Zillow]
• Let it be known that this classic Woodridge home has, count ’em, 42 kitchen cabinets. It can be yours for $735,000. [Zillow]
• Does this renovated two-bedroom rowhouse in Anacostia come with the dog? [craigslist]